


Bars of Sanity

by Innocentfighter



Series: Golden Sanity [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Companion Piece, Hurt/Comfort, Leaves of Gold, M/M, Pre-Leaves of Gold I guess, Slight disbelief in god mentioned?, Why in the heck Jaeger - Yeager?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 11:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1817611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Innocentfighter/pseuds/Innocentfighter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Companion piece to Leaves of Gold. I gripped harder onto the bars, my last hold onto sanity. There was no doubt that if the bars weren’t there I would’ve been on the other side in the reassuring embrace, sinking quickly into insanity, muttering impossible false promises.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bars of Sanity

**Author's Note:**

> I should be asleep, but I'm not, and I finally write something. Nothing on my list naturally, but its a step in the right direction. Besides, its always a great idea to write angsty Jeaneren. Someday I'll write something happy for the SnK fandom, where I don't kill Eren. That day isn't today, or tomorrow, or until the rest of Titan's Fall is written(sobbing). Ah well, let's get this done? And onto the story and tears(probably not). OTL I didn't really think I'd actually write a companion piece and this is set before, so have a great time reading this!
> 
> DISCLAIMER I DON'T OWN SnK

_The vote is tomorrow._

Those words rang around in my head striking like the ball in the bell. My heart was as heavy as the bell in the church.

_Where was God now?_

Walking down the poorly lit hallway, I knew the way by hear, many cool nights spent in the warm embrace I am heading towards. The  _click, click, click,_ of my boots on the stone echoed, wearing my nerves down further.

Finally I came to the place that was my destination. I hear rustling and something with an upward inflection. A voice, then. I keep my eyes turned on the darkened stone allowing myself moments to breath.

Slowly I look up, moving my hands, as I did so. I grasped the bars in my hand, the cool yet rough surface biting into my hand. The bars serve as my anchor now, as my own amber meet green.

_Beautiful._

Many times I thought that the green I’m staring at now was my anchor. Only know I see that it was fleeting, the green anchor was losing hold.

I gripped harder onto the bars, my last hold onto sanity. There was no doubt that if the bars weren’t there I would’ve been on the other side in the reassuring embrace, sinking quickly into insanity, muttering impossible  _false_ promises.

“Jean?”

The voice sounded like the wind on a warm day, comforting yet slightly chilling.

“The vote’s tomorrow.” My voice startles me, it’s strained, though I don’t explain what vote. We both know.

“Is it?” He sounded so normal, like I had just told him it’s raining.

I nodded. Warmth covers my hand, I see skin darker than mine.

“Jean.” He says again.

_Dammit._

A quick inhale. There would be enough time later to cherish. Now I just need to make him understand, because apparently he doesn’t.

My tongue feels dry and heavy. Akin to the times that I went without water for days. “Tomorrow, I have to vote with the majority. You know how they’re going to vote. But I have to go along with them. It’s not fair, but I don’t…then they can’t… the people would…”

Even to myself my voice is breaking and week. I couldn’t say those things, even despite the horror I’ve seen.

“I know. I’m alright with it.”

_God damn him._

When did he get so mature, so brave, so… duty bound?

I bite my cheek. There’s blood, my mouth quickly fills with the coppery taste. Briefly I tighten my grip around the bar and then tear them away.

I turn my body and slam my fist into the wall with a roar. There’s a dull feeling of pain but I ignore it.

“I don’t want to! I want this responsibility thrust onto someone else! I can’t deal with this! How in the hell can I condemn you, of all people, to die? Why must the government dig for one more casualty? Haven’t they had enough blood spilled on their expense?”

I turned around, wetness running down my face, surprisingly warming my cold cheeks.

“And you standing there accepting this? You’ve never allowed yourself to die, so why now? Why the hell aren’t you screaming at this injustice?”

A small, beautiful, rare smile slowly came into existence lighting your features.

_Stunning._

“Its my duty.”

The force I closed my jaw with caused a loud noise, I wasn’t sure if anyone else heard it but me. For once I could not think of a rebuttal.

Instead I took, one, two, three, steps back to the bars, wrapping my hands around them once again. Almost immediately, his hands enveloped mine.

I tightened my hold and sniffled like the child that I once was.

He spoke again. “Duty doesn’t matter here.”

I looked up, and then in a few moments of blurriness I had the door to his cell open and him in my arms.

We embraced for an unknown amount of time before I spoke again. Like I had thought earlier all that left my lips were false promises.

“You’ll be fine.”

_Liar._

”It’ll work out.”

_Wrong._

“We’ll be alright.”

_No._

I knew this, yet my lips were moving on their own forming their own words. At some point I somehow convinced myself that as long as I was in this entirely too cold cell that the outside world had stopped.

Though that wasn’t the case. The candles burned down to the base, singling that it was in fact morning and time to get ready.

Ruefully I removed myself from him, and stood up, we had fallen to the floor at some point. I winced as my back popped and he laughed at me.

“You’re getting old.”

I huffed. “Then so are you, we’re the same age you idiot.”

He just gave that impish grin, I liked it but I would always prefer him smiling.

I arched my eyebrow and headed out of the cell. My happy aura faded as I remembered what I had to do today.

Chewing on my lip, because my cheek was still sore from last night, I found myself inhaling.

“Time for me to do my duty.”

He just nodded, and encouraged me in that weird way of his, not saying anything but his eyes sending the meaning loud and clear.

* * *

 

The meeting room was stuffy. There was no windows open, the sun was beating directly onto the table, and the uniforms aren’t exactly contusive to cool body temperatures. Not to mention the air was tense, expectant, and the air of victory still clung onto these people.

These  _leaders_ who sat behind their wooden desks, believing in the walls, while people were dying for  _them_ when they believed that they were dying for  _humanity._ I wrinkled my nose, but not before I concealed the action behind my hand.

I wasn’t really listening to the first part of the meeting, all the men here were biggots who had their heads up their asses way too far.

“And now to discuss the fate of the Titan-Shifter Jaeger.” The king announced.

I tuned in partly, just waiting for the vote.

“Any last words on the matter before we call for a vote?”

No one spoke up. I was tempted to, believe me, but any objection on my part would be catastrophic to the stability of the government. We don’t need  _another_ rebellion. I just tightened my jaw.

The King cleared his throat. “Now we move to the vote. I motion for execution.”

_Prick._

“Seconded.” Commander of the military police raised his hand.

_Bastard._

The Garrison commander was next. “I agree.”

_Asshole._

It was down to me.

One, two, breaths.

I raised my hand, the hand that he held last night, in complete understanding.

God I hope that it wasn’t a heat of the moment bravery thing.

“I vote for the motion.” My voice cracked at the end.

_Traitor._

How I hated myself.

_I’m sorry._

**Author's Note:**

> Ending is so-so on this one. I know it wasn't one of the things that I was meant to be working on, and eventually I will get to those. Probably start working on them today, I swear it'll be a binge writing day. But for the meantime enjoy this lovely little companion to a fic that could kind of go without it. Later! ~IF


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